Friday, March 31, 2006


WOOHOO party tonight...if anybody needs me for the next three FUCKING DAYS i'm not going to FUCKING BE CALL THE DAMN CELL...that's if you know the FUCKING number!!!!!!!!!! lol


Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Don't Fucking Doubt Me

I've been hiding the fact that i haven't been eating for a while now. Everytime i eat it makes me sick to my stomach. I can't help the feeling. Then if i don't eat i feel sick as fuck. Like right now i feel so sick to my stomach. Probably because me and sydney just got in another fucking fight because she's always got to be on my case about things. I'm sick of feeling like crap. I'm sick of my stomach hurting. I'm sick of being told to eat. I'm just sick of fighting with everyone. It's bullshit. I shouldn't have to fight with my own girlfriend everyday just because she wants to be a bitch.

SOMEONE TAKE THIS PAIN OUT OF MY's almost taking my breath away...

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I Scare Myself Being Like This

Men Fall In Love Faster Then Women

In a case study it was determined that men do fall in love with women faster. It is determined that the male hormones for love are higher in men then in women. Guys fall in love after just three good dates. A man is attracted right away to any girl in his vision that looks beautiful to him. So if you thought it was women that fell in love faster than men you were incorrect. Of couse, a man can easily forget he is in love with a woman and easily fall in love with another, as women always remember and never give up on that love. They try to make it work no matter how hard it hurts them in the end. So if you want a guy. The easiest way to get him is to have him entertained enough for three dates. Have him see you as the wonderful person you are and don't be afraid to have a good time around him.

I wrote all of this word for word. Surprisingy, eh? I had to get up early this morning due to the fact that i get the pleasure of watching the baby. Lucky me, huh? Right now, the president is on talking about some Andy guy. Lol. God i don't like Bush. Eh, oh well i guess. Everyone gets fucked some way in life. I wish i could be as stupid as our president and get tied up on big words. Oh wait, ha. ha. i do! Well this is enough for today!

Monday, March 27, 2006

Your Never There

Freaking People i swear. Lol. You all are nuts! I have butch laughing his ass off at god knows what. Then that one dude that i don't even know talking about BBQ Sandwiches. But okay then people. Lol. Does any one else think all parents should burn in hell? Or is this just the way i feel?

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Said I'm Going Crazy

I finally realized, what the fuck am i on?

I was never the way i am now. I used to not give a shit about anyone and used to piss where ever i wanted whenever i wanted. Fucking parents i swear. Right now the dumb dirty bastards are playing poker. Right behind me. They are such Fags.

On to other news....

the little kid across the street came over today and i threw a football at him to get him out of the yard. Little fucker was trying to steal shit from me. Fucking kids i swear! I mean i know i'm 17 but FUCK! i did the same stupid shit but eh so wha. Little kids just piss me off way too damn much! Especially the ones across the street. They are all fucking dumbass hillbillys. The live in a trailor with a window busted out and the door is falling off but they bring in loads of fucking windows in a truck. The dumb bastards are too damn lazy to put one of those windows in their window because that would be WORK!

and other news.....

The world ends in seven days and your all fucked. =\ Have a nice day!!

Promoted By Hamburger

Recently it's been the score of:





I keep beating the cats.....watching the race across my front porch just pisses me off..,..They tore up the garbage tthis morning as some kind of revenge on me...just wait when i see the one that limps again and watch a bullet flow straight into his hide =]

Hamburger is right CATS SUCK!

She's Just A Girl

If she's just a girl, why is it so that i cry so many tears over her? I never cry over anyone. I do over her. I know she doesn't want me. I mean at least she pretended that she didn't. If you cry over someone, does that make you weak? oOr were you that much in love with them? I can't think straight or anything right now. I can't see with blurry vision.
[ this is not one of their songs though this is my feelings of the day ]

You all should listen to them...


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

36 Crazy Fists


Think I'll rename my heart, the calendar.
'Cause it'll surely know just when to end.
And I've been looking at you through the telephone,
as the photograph whispers that she isn't even home.
So alone, I bleed myself right in.
Unusual here breathing, inviting the silence.

But you're not here,
you're nowhere near at all.
Just skin and atmosphere.
And if it's not what you wanted,
better get out now.
Alone it takes me,
underneath it'll surely break me.
Underneath these things.

Twenty some years my parents let themselves leave.
I always swore that would never, ever be me.
And now you're looking at me through a new lens,
your voice on the end doesn't understand anything, nor do I.
Paper cuts for me.

Prove me wrong, I want you to prove me wrong.


With the absence of eye,
I can start to bleed again...
With the color of hearts it seems like you wear right thin
And as it falls from your mouth, it seems like you needed it more
Well I can still ask for more, I will still ask for more...
Get the fuck out, stay the fuck out
It makes me sick (I'm alright)

Slit wrist theory, stains us all...
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
It seems like a runaround
Words that won't matter
And as it falls from your mouth it seems like you
needed it more

And I will color you all red, I will color you
Get the fuck out, stay the fuck out
It makes me sick (I'm alright)
Slit wrist theory, stains us all...
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Braided conversation
Get the fuck out, stay the fuck out

It makes me sick (I'm alright)
Slit wrist theory, stains us all...
And caved the fuck in, and bashed the fuck in, it's so old
Slit wrist theory, stains us all...
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Lace me up, lace me up
I'm still looking for these angels in the snow
Lace me up...

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

eh yeah oh well

I got to talk to my baby today! Yay! i called her as soon as i got home from town. Then i had to get off the phone to eat supper! >.< So then my sister is all get online you have homework of mine to do so i had to get online and sydmey thought it was because i wanted to talk to shandi was the reason i got back online. arg! i had a good day so far. slepy most the day really. i have no idea what i'm doing tonight. i called meghan today too. we talked longer than we have in a while. now shandi is flipping on me. so im off here for now i got shit to handle shit to do. IM OUT!

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Dearest Annonymous,

There are things to be said about you, that are not yet said. Let me do this now. Your a chicken to not reveal who you are. I mean seriously if you can't own up to your own words why post them at all? Theres no use in even pressing publish it it doesn't post with your name. That's kind of lame don't you think. I mean if i was going to diss someone on their own blog i would own up to what i said at least. Thank you for your pathetic time. Bye bye now!


Thursday, March 16, 2006

~!Talking To Re!~

So right now i'm talking to Re ^.^

She's cool! OMG!!!!! I got to takl to sydney. Just like effing 20 minutes ago she is when we got off the fone and shes claling me agian in 40 minutes. I'm like so flipping tired and i cant type worth shit.

I'm to call shandi at 9 i have to go to bed soon, or just stay up all nite idk...

well im off here much love all woooo weeeeeeee

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

~!Tests Suck!~

I have tests today, which is really going to suck. I have to drive up there to WhiteHall Library and take them. For six hours at that. It's going to seem like forever and a day. I can't wait to get them done and over with. So, I'm basically sitting here fretting about this. I got my guitar back yesterday, bloody hell if i can remember how to play it anymore. I remember a few songs that i played at like the highschool and things when i went. Other than those i forget them. I haven't really touched a guitar for a long period time for over a year that was electric. I played acoustic at the powder puff game this year.

Today is going to be long and boring as hell. I have nothing planned other than calling Shandi in a hour and taking them damn tests. i'll probably be pushed into picking my dad up from work tonight seeing as it's going to be around 5 when i get back into town. It takes a hour just to get to that damn library. Thats going to be a boring drive so i grabbed my poem book to write poems on the way up there because that's what i do when i'm nervous.

For now i'm off here! I didn't get to talk to Sydney last night but she gave me a offline saying she gave me 3 messages on my voicemail already. So hopefully, I'll get to talk to her today! Well, for right at this time of day i'm off here!

Monday, March 13, 2006

Loyal To The Game

Why can't all rappers be like this?

Why can't they all be as inspiring as him?

This is the only rapper I can stand!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Made Up On The Spot

It takes but two seconds to look back at the life i've spent here. One, to realize that i had nothing. The other, to know i had no one. I'd lost everything that year. My mind, my friends, and even my family. No one wants to be around a nobody, and for some reason i didn't blame them.

I looked into the starry night, knowing now i was no one and never had anyone to call my own i'd lost it all. As well as my courage. My fear to go foward is what held me back. For i was a no one and that's all i'd ever be.

My fear was conquering and taking over my consious. I had no real escape of this reality but to press foward, the thing i was most afraid of. As much as it hurt inside to know i was filled with emptiness, i still moved on.

I let those hard days get me down and all the things that i hated got in my way. I could of screamed without a sound. I found myself silenced by those things that they say. I woke up to realize that it's not worth running from anymore. When there was no place left to hide and i found nothing out there is real. I won't stop no until i find myself.

I don't want anyone to look into my eyes because i don't want anyone to see theres no one behind them!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Tell Me That We've Been Wrong

Been standing most my life living in someone elses shadow. I've been stuck this way too long and now i have no way of getting out of all this darkness. I'm trapped behind these walls and theres no way for me to get out. They are closing in on me and theres no escape. I'm afraid to breathe. I'll use up whats left of the air thats still fresh. I'm wasting away my life behind these walls and theres no one here to let me out. No one can hear my cries for help. If they do they just turn away and act like nothing was ever said.

Is it me in general that they don't want the world to see? At this point i would have to think that is the reason. Maybe it's better off this way. Maybe, just maybe, i'm everyones perfect enemy and they are afraid to face who i really am. So they mask me with these names. Names such as goth, emo, punk, or skater. Why can't i just be me? Whats wrong with that?

Is it wrong not to be labeled anything but yourself?

In a world full of hatred is it wrong to hate everyone around you. To me it's like that. I can't stand anyone anymore. Not after everything i've been put through. This life is not worth it anymore. Sometimes i just want to give up on everything i've ever done or ever will do. Theres no use in helping people if they don't want to be helped now is there? I'm tired of writting this all down because it's not like anyone ever reads this shit anyways. So i'm done writting it. I'm done saying it because no one is even listening.

The Hair Cut That Kills

The hair cut that kills. So my mom actually made it to my hair with her clippers. =[ i hate it!

I Swear I Don't Have A Gun

A chance. Ugh I hate waiting for people to get online. Like I've waited all day to call shandi at nine. So I did. Then at 11 I waited on meghan to call me =\. She never did. Then I got online hoping my girlfriend will be on. To my surprise, not really, she wasn't on. I haven't gotten to talk to her a lot in the past two weeks. =\ it sucks! So I'm sitting here hoping time flies by until its 8 o' clock so I can call shandi. =\ So I'll have at least someone to talk to. This sucks. Well I'm off here for now. Just wanted to complain a little. =/

Friday, March 10, 2006

The Face Of Stupidity

The face of greed and ignorance.

I Am The Map That You Chose

"If god's good word goes unspoked the music goes on all night."

"Laughter is free, anytime just call me."

"You can't hold your breath as long as i can because i'm already half way dead."

"Please help me because i'm breaking down."

"Believe me i'm just as lost as you."

"If god was real don't you think he would tell someone."

"I see the clock and it's ticking away. The hour glass is empty. What the fuck do i have to say."

"All alone i fall to pieces. And i keep falling."

"I Keep a journal of memories. I'm feeling lonely I can't breathe."

My Lifes Fading Before My Eyes

For people it's hard to realize how I really am. Who I truly am inside. No one really knows. Not even myself. This world seems to be closing in on me and there's no way to escape the darkness surrounding me. Being pushed around by my family is getting tiring. I mean I'm never going to be the kid they want me to be. Truly what is it to be a kid? I mean I try everything to be a kid but it's like everything I'm doing is wrong. I need to stay strong you know and not let this bother me as much as it does. Do what I used to do and cover this all up with a fake smile and hold it all inside. Pretend to be happy like I used to. I'm never allowed to do anything unless my sister knows about it. I mean seriously she acts like my mom. I mean it's like I have two moms. She's always on my case. She makes me do her homework. As well as my parents make me do her homework too. So I'll never win there. Everything is falling apart again. I'm fighting with my best friend about being happy. I'm fighting with my sister and mom as I type this because I'm not allowed on here until after my sister and seeing as I got up before she did this morning and then she left I decided to get on and now I'm in trouble. I'm sick of this life. I wish I could trade it in for a new one or already used on I don't care how it is. Some things got to be better than this. Well I'm getting bitched at to get off so I have to go.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Whats Wrong With Me


So people are saying that they think i love shandi more than my girlfriend!

Is it true? i'm not sure i don't think it is.
Can this be? It could but as i said, i don't think it is.
Sydney is the first girl i've ever been inlove with. How can people think this? Is it because i write about her alot?

Sydney needs to get online! >.<

~!I Love Sydney Renee!~


Shandi! How would I write about someone like her. Well it's simply to say that she is wonderful. She is always there when I need her most. She never complains about it either. I could be so mean to her yet she would still talk to me. I don't get what about me she would like. Yet, she can tell me what she likes. She's more than a friend to me. She's my best friend! I certainly don't know what I would ever do without her. She's the only one I can seem to talk to anymore about anything.

It doesn't matter what it is anymore but I can't seem to keep it in. I also never had anyone to tell my problems to before either. Now I do. I have shandi and she always listens to me. No matter what my problem is. Means so much yet, I have no way to thank her. How can you really thank someone who is always there? Never lets you down?

there's no way I can think of on how to repay her. She can make me laugh when I'm sad. Make me smile when I'm down. I mean she's the best friend that anyone could ever dream of. I'm lucky to have someone like her in my life. Someone I can count on. For once in my life I feel safe and it's all because of shandi.

I love you Hun!~ Thanks for all the help these last months I've went through. =]

~!Life Left unspoken For!~

In a world so vain. In a world so cold. How is it that we can still find love? Simple and easy enough it's just wondering around in the hearts of many. It resides in mine. That is where it should reside in all of us is in our hearts. Does it not make since to love? When to love is everything we could ever dream of. Does it make you weak to love? Not that I can acknowledge. Only thing but to make you stronger and give you more purity.

For ones who don't know, yet, they tend to devastate themselves over this. Why? Because they are looking for love. They still haven't found it yet. We pick on others because he have been ridiculed ourselves. We look down upon others because we have been looked down upon ourselves. Makes since to say we'll be around forever doesn't it. Our only existences relies on the fighting that takes place for our own survival.

Are we but nothing more than animals ourselves? Do we strive to stay alive like those of the caribou on the vast plains. Do we fight off predators yet be killed anyways. Are we fed to the worms in the same way of that the brothers that have shared the life before us?

Many things to ponder yet, will they ever be answered. That is a question that you'll only find in yourself, I guess. For I know none of this to my own knowledge. That of your own you may know.

I Know You'll Never Win

So today i've just basically been made fun of yet again. You know i think i got made fun less at school, ever with all that drama, than i do now. I mean ol' butchie boy doesn't know when to quit. Personally i don't know why he's singled out me of all people. What have i ever done to hurt anyone else?

Yeah, I've broken some hearts but have i ever done it intentionaly? No!

Let it rest let it be,
Why make fun of me,
No reason for you to see.

Whats wrong with you,
Thought you knew,
No need to be rude.

So i'm different,
Shouldn't be a problem should it.

Why mess with a kid,
Whose trying to stay hid,
Stop Throwing a fit.

Grow up,
Until then,
Shut up!

I'm Willing To Bleed For You

Good afternoon everybody! Everyone doing okay? I've got to tell you i'm in a incredibly good mood! =]

All alone i fall to pieces. Without the people i'm around i'm lost wondering like a poor puppy from his mother. I'll admit that because it's true. I'm afraid to grow up. I don't want to take on the responsibilitys. I want to stay young forever. Yet, still i want to die. Doesn't make since does it? To me it does for some reason. Like the fact my whole life i never really got a childhood till now. I'm 17 and i'm living life like a 5 year old. Yet, I'm accepting responsibilitys i never had before. Still it doesn't make since.

On to other things, today has been good. Actually got up when my alarm went off at 11am, for once. Just didn't get to call Shandi when i got up because the internet was on. Kinda wish i got to but it's okay. I'm talking to her now so everything is good.

I really should be doing school work right now. Seems that's all i've been doing lately though. School work, sleeping, i haven't really been eating, and talking to people, mostly Shandi. Which i don't mind she's my best friend. I wish there was someway i could re-pay her for all the things she has done for me. With getting me off all the drugs i was on. All the pain i've went through and her being there to listen through it all. That means so much to me. The fact she's been there for me is a lot of work. I mean she knows she doesn't have to be but yet she does it anyways. In a way i don't know what i'd ever do without her. She's always there to listen. Without her i'd probably lose it all.

Well that's enough for today. I think i've written enough for today.

How Do You Sleep At Nite?

here's a pictures of me for those who think that they know me. If you want to know more about me and what i look like (doubt you would) go to

"for you i would climb yet another mountain yet try so hard for you to like me." <---makes no sense does it?

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Amen I'm Alive

"Fireflys our only light in paradise."

So I guess today was like any other. Got up late like i always do. In other words i didn't get my morning phone call with Shandi. That's like morning coffee it's just something i need to wake me up to get me ready for the day. Seeing as shes my best-friend i try to talk to her at least once a day. Although i like talking to her more than once. She has a way of making you laugh and smile like the horizon. Soon i should be getting my old guitar back and i'm going to be trading that one in for an acoustic. Preferably a Fender, i'm not too fond of Harmony, although their guitars do make a pitch of sound like no other. On to other things, today has been a weird day. I talked to my girlfriend today as well as Shandi and Mallory. Which i tried making Mallory mad by calling her my wife which tended to work quite well.

I was thinking maybe i should quit smoking again, but as we all know that never works out quite like i want it to. I never will quit most likely. Like i said before, "It's just like a cigarette, it's just something i do."

Tonight i see myself sleeping early. Although i did get up late i still feel exhausted from watching the baby all day today. So for now i'm done writing. As to know end it here.

~!More About Me!~

Yeah, so i write poems big whoop. I'm a teenager you got that write. Seeing as I'm only 17. You would know that right because you seem to pay more attention to my page than I myself do. To know that I changed where i live to where I actually live would just surprise the hell out of you wouldn't it. Wow! Well here I'll give you all a great big pat on the back. You found out who I am. Really, No! Yes, I'm 17 but anyone that can read will know that. Yeah, i write poetry that just goes to tell you i enjoy writting. Yeah, so what that I'm in highschool and I'm 17 and in the Tenth grade. Just goes to tell you i hated going. Wait, I'm telling you stuff you already know aren't I. Well, well, well, i should quit shouldn't I? How about No! You guys that think you know me don't know that yes, my girlfriend is real. I'm not like you i don't make girls up. Yes, I'm in love so kill me. I can't stop being in love. Yeah, so what i'm not like everyone else. I do wear somewhat bagging pants but they do not fall off me. No, I don't wear chains. Yes, i do have my ears gauged, eyebrow pierced and my nipples and P.A. pierced. That's all i have pierced. Yes. i wear my hair in front of my face. No, that does not make me emo. I rarely cry. The only times i can remember crying is about 5 times my whole life. That's all you need to know about me. So I'm off here. Bye!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

For All Those Who Don't Know Me

Here, is this what you wanted? Did you want me to seem just like you? Another robot writting about a life that no one else has, that no one else can keep up with but yet write about it any how just so it don't build up in my mind? Do you like it better when i write like this?

Robots are what you all are. Following commands by the goverment. Have you noticed that in the Constitution it says our fair land that we share is free, yet we cannot be how we want. We cannot live our lives the way we want it to be. We can't believe in what we want. There is a right that says we are protected by our own beliefs, yet we are fratinized by what we believe in by every other person in the country. Whether you be Atheist or Satanic. These two religions are saw upon as evil and against all man. When really it's a religion about practicing your own faith and going about life the way you want to live it. Have you ever thought that what is god. How can he be greater than me? What did he do to make him so great?

You all are ragging me about what i do. When really look at what you are doing. You are looking down upon me for what? For being in love? For not writting like you do? Thats discrimination. If you have read what your suppose to in school you would have learned about this. This is a serious offense in our great country. For we like to hold trials for this. As me myself i would not go that far. I do not have the heart to really be mean to anyone. If you would know me, you would know that. For as you do not know me, you do not know that. Till that you take the time to read over what i just typed on here. Then when you've seen where i am coming from maybe then there would be a reason for leaving a comment on my page.

I am not the richest kid on earth. Yes, I am in high school but that does not mean i'm a complete adolesence. I've went through more in my life now then you will probably go through in the next 50 years. For many do not take the time to get to know me before they judge me. That is why i put the "I'm not emo" title at the top of my blog page. Many people make the mistake in thinking i am emo. The way i dress maybe is a reason, or maybe tis the music i listen to. Still i do not want to be labeled. I am i, myself, no one more. Thanks for your time.

I love you Sydney, i hope you had a great day at school baby!

got to love those suck up washed up fans..i like how all you guys think you went to english class all the damn time 24/7. i chose to write the way i do because it makes me unique. different from you ass. don't harass my g/f. she has nothing in this. yeah so what i'm in love. are you jealous because your not? that you sit around on blogger all day worshipping your boring life? i mean yeah i have no life but at least i have love right? what do you have? answer me that. one thing you dont know me. dont judge what you dont know. i can talk and make since. trust me i sit and write for hours. theres times when i just really dont feel like writting any more so i abbreiviate my words. oh my bad SHOOT ME because of that. hell you all are just like marching robots following someone. i follow myself because thats all i'll need. and sorry the father son dance was last week. really...NO!!! you guys are all losers. not that loser is a bad thing. i didnt have any problem with you until i read the comments you left my g/f. that deeply offended me. why bring her into this? what did she do? nothing, thats right your just dragging her down because of me. well look its not going to work that way okay? hasn't your parents taught you that you dont bring everyone down. then agian your probably dont listen to you parents the way i dont listen to mine. then again thats because im really on my own but you wouldnt know that because you didnt take time out to get to know me before you judged me.

Ponder whats wrong!

~!Can't Escape The Way I'm Feeling!~

i havent talked to sydey in what seems forever..although it was juss the other nite..i mean i wish i wuldnt have had to go but i mean i didnt want shandi mad at me..i mean shandi is my best friend n she helps me thru alot of things..when sydney is not there..which is usually..alot...i mean i love sydney always will..cant stop loving that girl..she has me..i dont think i culd ever let go..i mean everyone knows i love her..i talk about her all the time..hell i mean shes everything to me....i have a new nick name....its Deee...with three E's lol...idk.. but alot of ppl juss keep calling me it for sum reason...oh wells...i love you sydney.

"you know where it ends, it just usually depends on where you start."

~!I Love You All!~


I've learn to know that love hurts like hell..but the more it hurts the more in love you get.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

~!♥ ©are for what no it ©ared upon!~

looking to everything you mean to me,
looking at us like everyone wants us to be,
we've been here too long
now we've spent too much time,
smell of love in the air,
looks in our eyes,
like we just dont care,
living our lives,
with everyone a stare,
let them be, for them to see,
it's just you and me.

I'll miss it all,
miss everything i had,
everything that ever made me sad,
lifes so unfair,
right now, i really don't care,
i just don't want to be done,
i don't want to be gone, not yet,
my life is set to a certain,
like a curtain to a play,
what can i say?
doctors can't fix, what they can't cure,
my heart, im not sure if its really pure,
i laughed it off like everything was okay,
now i have to pray to live anohter day.

i'll stick with you through it all,
thick or thin, ill catch you,
before you may fall,
i'll be there for you with anything,
that you should do,
i'll have your back, no matter,
what things you've done wrong,
i'll never leave you alone,
i'll be there for you if you may fall,
thick or thin, i'll be there,
for it all

if i had just one more tear left to cry,
i would spend it on you, if you were to die,
i would cry myself to sleep,
those memories of you i would keep,
everything i said to you, trust me,
i meant it all,
the day i told you i loved you,
those feelings never did fade,
the times i layed up wondering,
if you were okay, i still,
wait up wondering today,
i'll miss you when your near,
i'll miss you even more when your, not here,
the memories of you i'll never leave behind,
your the one thats always on my mind.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I Love Sydney Renee So Much!
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